Is the ghost from the past holding me back from joining the runners club?

Today I took a deep breath and sent a mail to the runners club I joined almost exactly a year ago, March 1, 2015. Back then I paid the fee and got a “your membership is under consideration”
I guess the next step (leap, in my case) would be to go there and introduce myself. They meet every Wednesday evening. But since I got that weird reply “under consideration” I decided it was a sign I wasn’t welcome (sic), that I already paid for it never crossed my mind as a good enough reason going there… But today, one year + one day later I wrote them another e-mail, ‘fessing up and told them I don’t enjoy the “team” thing, but I really, really want to learn to run a little bit faster and I want to know how to tackle the “interval”-sections of my training plan.

I got a reply – “come on down tonite, we’ll help you, we’ll be you’re best friends and shelters…” No, not really, but very friendly. Stating that I was indeed welcome and that they will give help to everyone where they are right now, newbies or pros alike. They sound very friendly and I should just go there. Right? I can always go back home. Do something else. I probably have to pay another annual fee but so what. I need it to move forward. Just need a little bit of help.

You don’t have to be Einstein to figure out why I don’t want to train in group.

I was scarred for life by the physical education in school. I was always picked last. I always came in last. I was always faking some kind of injury. I was always on my period (and since we had a male teacher he’d never once questioned us ladies). My last PE teacher was good though. He sat down with me and asked me if I was happy at all with doing nothing and I probably shrugged and said a lazy nooo. That’s how it happened I got to spend the PE classes in the gym rather in class and I got a good work out and a grade I didn’t have to be a shamed of. Specially when attendance is like 50% of the grade itself. Now I am a bit upset though because I might have enjoyed running already back then and I wouldn’t have turned so big and always so unhappy with myself.

You never know.

But I don’t ever remember running in school. You had to run 60 meters on time once a year. I never did. I’d fake a bad knee or foot or whatever. It’s not that I don’t mind being last, I have no problem complimenting other people because they deserves it and because they are good at what they are doing. But I do have a problem with any person who need to put (in their opinion) less “good” people down in the mud and completely crush them while bragging about how fantastic they are themselves.

I don’t think this runners club are like that. I think they are nice and decent people who like running. I think they would look at me and go “you ran for over 5 hours? Why so slow?” and then they’ll do what ever they can to push me out of the comfort zone. At least that is what I want to . In a perfect world. I am not sure I’ll go today though. Next Wednesday maybe.

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