This year has been weird as in the big number of friends and colleagues from the past I have met. Most of them I haven’t seen in 10-12 years and I haven’t really thought much about them. We haven’t even interracted over Facebook or LinkedIn.
What surprises me the most is my reaction. How the old feelings absolutely HITS me. Like the time has been standing still. I can even feel envy over things that has nothing to do with me. And to make matters worse I totally forget who I have become. I have reached so far, both when it comes to personal achivements as in business. I AM happy. I am satisfied with my life. The things I wish to change are so few and petty – in the big picture. After all – I am not sitting in a plastic boat on the mediterrian… Nothing to complain about. But even without the big picture I am happy. I would want my job to be closer. I wish I ran a little bit faster. I wish I could sleep a few hours more every night. I have made a change in someones life. I have been seen. I have challenged myself and others. I havefound happiness.
But still, I feel a sting of envy cause someone I used to know now is a big league person with a job I would be so unhappy with… Why? Or that sweet couple who had no problem whatsoever, who everyone wanted to be, I heard they split up recently after 14 years together and one of them dated for 15 mins and is now becoming a parent allthough this person was said never wanting kids. It stings. I don’t know why.
Another person from the past landed a great job too, one of those you are never finished with. That is endless, demanding and no satisfaction in. Well, it wouldn’t be for me anyway. I did feel the envy. Maybe I should have done that too. Maybe my house by the sea is keeping me back? Maybe I would have loved that big time bossy important job with a fat paycheck every month (but no time to spend the money)? But I don’t.
I don’t want to spend my life working. I want to write. And run. I don’t want children and I don’t regret not having any. If I would have had any I am sure I would have coped, but since I don’t – I don’t regret it. I will have no one but myself to care for. I can spend my money without thinking about another generation. I don’t mean the next generation in general, of course. I do care about the environment, big time. I know who I am now. I didn’t know that back then, my life was a chaos. When I left I left everything and everyone but two friends, the two who helped me survive. My life has been a rollercoaster but always inside the box, allthough it’s been my box which can’t be compared to anyone elses.
I am a nerd.
Need proof?
- I am 43 years old and have been to our HQ for two days back to back meetings and I have been wearing a Metal band t-shirt. Noone expects me to wear a suit, but noone would have raised an eyelash if I had.
- I say “water please, alcohol is bad for my running” and “ah, it’s 20.00, time to crash” – this makes a lot of people very very insecure – threaten even.
- At the 08.00 meeting I turn up with sweat pearls and red cheeks with a “sorry, I’m still hot from my 10k run this morning”. I can do that in the office, but at an overnighter you’re more or less supposed to stay up late, drink beer and wine, chitchat and networking and then come to the meetings with an hangover.
I am a nerd. I make people uncomfortable. Sober, healthy people are dangerous, they remember the blackouts and they hold people responsible for their actions and promises.
Anyway. It still stings when I meet my past and I’d love to know why, what it stands for. I follow my own path. Or at least I want to think so. Maybe I am just fooling myself. I really need a therapy session right now (= A 25km run that is) !
Ps! I understand it when it comes to old lovers and partners but this with friends – no, not so much.
Underneath The Stars 