Checking in…

I haven’t written much lately. I am running again. Not as long as I used to. I am tired all the time. But I am running and it’s one of three parts I need to keep sane. The other two is sleep and gardening. And my cats. One of my three cats hurt her paw recently, she’s 11 years old and already spent 7 of her nine lives, and we had to go to the vet. I cried when I had to leave her there – just for a few hours but still, I just couldn’t bear leaving her there. When I came to pick her up I had to wait and the longer I waited the more sure I became that something happened to her. My Garmin Forerunner 235 (built in pulse) hit the roof basically. She was alright. Medication and cleaning for 5 days. She hated me. I couldn’t take it. I cried while running. Happy she was alright but so, so, so sad that she hates me now. My emotions are flowing to say the least. And I am tired.To this we should add a very stressful situation at work. While running has been my primary goal for two years, sleeping now taken it’s place. I try to get at least 6 hours sleep every night and one hour run every morning. I follow the 5:2 diet, with two days a week when I only eat 500 cals. I need to lose weight to run more. I think it’s a winning concept but I still need to rest and sleep for a few weeks. You know, to get fully relaxed.

This morning I woke up, went for a run, drank a smoothie, hit the shower, brush my teeth, put on my pj:s and was ready to go to sleep again. Totally blanked out the day in between (as it never happened yet). And it’s not the first time.

I am fighting the depression. It’s lurking just under the surface. But it’s not present all the time. Only some times. I focus on solutions. In my job I have access to a coach. Her job is to guide me as a leader, a chief. She asked me what I wanted to look back on when I retire. Ever thought about that? I couldn’t. I said “quickly change the question or I will hit rock bottom”, she said “where are you in 10 years?” “in five years?” I can’t see me doing the same today in five nor in ten years. I see myself doing different things. I drew a picture of where I am today, in five years and in ten years. I also drew a line from this job to retirement. It’s possible, but it’s not what I want.

I want to work with happy people, I want to make cakes, I want to arrange races and concerts. I’d love to bring Rock’n’roll marathons to Scandinavia. I want to write. Finish at least one book. I have dreams and time’s running out. I don’t have the TIME to work in a office, with people who are negative. I will be negative. If I was well rested I am sure I could spread my positive vibe around but I feel like a empty battery where the power is replaced by blackness. I guess that’s what depression does to you.