Checking in…

I haven’t written much lately. I am running again. Not as long as I used to. I am tired all the time. But I am running and it’s one of three parts I need to keep sane. The other two is sleep and gardening. And my cats. One of my three cats hurt her paw recently, she’s 11 years old and already spent 7 of her nine lives, and we had to go to the vet. I cried when I had to leave her there – just for a few hours but still, I just couldn’t bear leaving her there. When I came to pick her up I had to wait and the longer I waited the more sure I became that something happened to her. My Garmin Forerunner 235 (built in pulse) hit the roof basically. She was alright. Medication and cleaning for 5 days. She hated me. I couldn’t take it. I cried while running. Happy she was alright but so, so, so sad that she hates me now. My emotions are flowing to say the least. And I am tired.To this we should add a very stressful situation at work. While running has been my primary goal for two years, sleeping now taken it’s place. I try to get at least 6 hours sleep every night and one hour run every morning. I follow the 5:2 diet, with two days a week when I only eat 500 cals. I need to lose weight to run more. I think it’s a winning concept but I still need to rest and sleep for a few weeks. You know, to get fully relaxed.

This morning I woke up, went for a run, drank a smoothie, hit the shower, brush my teeth, put on my pj:s and was ready to go to sleep again. Totally blanked out the day in between (as it never happened yet). And it’s not the first time.

I am fighting the depression. It’s lurking just under the surface. But it’s not present all the time. Only some times. I focus on solutions. In my job I have access to a coach. Her job is to guide me as a leader, a chief. She asked me what I wanted to look back on when I retire. Ever thought about that? I couldn’t. I said “quickly change the question or I will hit rock bottom”, she said “where are you in 10 years?” “in five years?” I can’t see me doing the same today in five nor in ten years. I see myself doing different things. I drew a picture of where I am today, in five years and in ten years. I also drew a line from this job to retirement. It’s possible, but it’s not what I want.

I want to work with happy people, I want to make cakes, I want to arrange races and concerts. I’d love to bring Rock’n’roll marathons to Scandinavia. I want to write. Finish at least one book. I have dreams and time’s running out. I don’t have the TIME to work in a office, with people who are negative. I will be negative. If I was well rested I am sure I could spread my positive vibe around but I feel like a empty battery where the power is replaced by blackness. I guess that’s what depression does to you.

 

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3 comments

  1. Just typed a longer reply but the internet stole it! 🙂 glad to hear your getting through it and this made me laugh as been in a similar position “quickly change the question or I will hit rock bottom” Thankfully I am out of the corporate rat race and don’t have to put up with the negativity etc so keep a grip on the dream and one day… A good thing is that #GreatBritishBakeOff is back on our TV next week, dunno if you get it there? but will be drooling over the cakes ‘n’ bakes but having to resist the urge to copy them unless I want to become the Michelin Man 🙂

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  2. That bloody internet, eh? Stealing things now… Lol.

    I’m doing better. I just wish I had the guts to do it. Was it a difficult step for you to take?

    I used to be able to watch GBBO before thanks to Firefox and a plug-in but they started charging for it and I bowed out. Wish I could find a way. It’s my favorite show, no doubt, and the only show I would LOVE to take part it 😉 If you keep walking you can both eat the cake and keep it!!

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  3. Not only is it stealing things, it’s started hiding them as in your reply.. I think a strongly worded email to Mr Internet is needed.

    Like most of life’s decisions it’s the deciding that’s difficult bit but once decided I found it much easier and for me it wasn’t difficult as I had reached the end of the road and wanted to change.

    I have been told there are ‘ways’ on the internet to pretend you are here when you are there.. The BBC iPlayer is really pushing their store and purchasing content but I won’t rant.. If only there was a magic cake cancelling pill 🙂

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